Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Just say no
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
an octopus is just a wet spider
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.