“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]