Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream