Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.