I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.