Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
You Might Also Like
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Your secret is safeish with me
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.