I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.