Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.