People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Another interesting #factupdates post!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.