Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You Might Also Like
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?