Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.