Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
the greatest twitter interaction
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.