“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.