if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂