What do you hear?
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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING