I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Peace was never an option
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway