Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
bout dat hot dog summer
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys