my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
😩😩😩