Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years