Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Jurassic park gets weird
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.