As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.