Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.