Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”