Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
You Might Also Like
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)