Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
#parenting
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy