Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE