It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”