My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
A friend helps you before you need it
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
guilty