GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
You Might Also Like
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all