If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
put ‘er there pardner!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?