When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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termite twitter scares me
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
house sitting!
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
i have one speed and it’s mosey
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not