Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”