While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.