A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear