I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Mad Max: Furry Road
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged