I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*