Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
sigh
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted