For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*