whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.