*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Ion see the issue
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.