Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I beg your pardon?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”