Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.