I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you