Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.