HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.