Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger