[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store