Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Many hands make light work
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.