To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace