Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
ouch
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this